


broken wings (wont hold you down)

by milkyminghao



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: (implied car accident), Car Accidents, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss, M/M, Suicide, i wrote this as a way to get my suicidal thoughts out, its. really sad, read only if you dare, this is literally just. suicide, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 18:11:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15467100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyminghao/pseuds/milkyminghao
Summary: "I'm sorry, brother. I have to go."And then his grip was lost.





	broken wings (wont hold you down)

**Author's Note:**

> um. so. i just wasn't okay. and i didn't want to hurt myself, so i literally wrote this as a way to get my really really bad thoughts out of my system. if you're in the mood to be sad, then read ahead. just a warning... soonyoung literally commits suicide. so. that's what you have to look forward to.

 

Four months.

It had been only four months since the group went on an indefinite hiatus.

It had been only four months since they were discharged from the hospital, but one never even made it there.

It had been only four months since the last time he felt his lips on his.

It had been only four months since the last time he saw his twinkling smile, chipper laughter, scrunched nose.

It had been only four months since he last heard 'I love you' in his raspy morning voice. Since he last heard his cackle, since he last heard his rap, since he last heard his singing.

Four months. It seems like such an incredibly long time, yet seems like time had just passed by without a care as to how the others felt.

Four months since he remembers seeing him fly across the roof of a car's hood, bounce across the concrete and lay motionless. Four months since he watched his friends and members get clipped by a drunk driver, sending 5 members to the hospital, and 1 to the morgue.

Soonyoung remembers it all so vividly, yet in a tearful haze as he feels like he wasn't really there when it happened. Like he was watching from outside his body. He remembers throwing yellow flowers into the lowering grave, his members holding him as he sobbed out words of sorrow and pleas to come back to him. He remembers the familiar warmth of Seungcheol and Minghao as they held him when he fell to his knees, yet it wasn't the warmth he wanted to feel around him. He wanted him. He wanted Wonwoo. He wanted his warmth, his gentle kisses and soft words. But he would never have that again. He would only have cold stone that sat upon a pile of dirt where his body lay, in a pretty wooden box, decomposing underneath the earth.

 

Cold.

 

That's all he could feel right now. He felt freezing, but he wasn't shivering. He no longer felt sad. No longer felt the grief, no longer cried at night. He felt numb. Painfully empty. No full meals in weeks, his muscle wearing down and reducing him to nearly skin and bones. His eyes were sunken in, his usual chubby cheeks shallow and caved. He could feel his ribs when he wrapped his now-bony arms around himself at night, the comforter of his bed doing almost nothing to bring him warmth.

He didn't know why he wasn't shivering with the wind whipping against his face. The cold, cold night in November. The darkest time of day, around 3 AM. The top of the building gave him a spectacular view. The city lights showed the nearly empty streets, save for a few cars passing by without seeing him. Carefully, Soonyoung peered over the edge of the building, down multiple stories to the ground below him. Asphalt never looked so soft to him before.

None of his members were awake. They were all asleep. Everybody was constantly exhausted now, even the brightest of people in the group. Time was a current that swept them with, unwillingly throwing them into the crashing waves of reality. The remaining 12 couldn't catch up with the torrent, all lagging behind and drowning a little here and there. But now was a time of peace in the sea, everybody was asleep.

Except for one.

 

The skies are typically cloudy this time of year. Even when the sky is clear, the amount of light pollution made it hard to see stars very clearly. Soonyoung looked towards the black sky, wiping tears that he hadn't realized formed and distorted his vision. There weren't very many clouds, only a few wispy stragglers as they slowly crawled across the night, occasionally covering up some stars. The man watched one particular cloud inch across the moon, savoring the moment, as he never took time to in the past.

He hadn't realized how quickly something could be ripped from your grasp. In a matter of seconds, the most important thing in your life could crumble like sand, fall between your finger tips to no avail.

The wind whipped some tears from his eyes, and he felt a cold streak fall down his gaunt cheek.

Slowly, with a shaking, scrawny hand, he touched his lips, trying so hard to recall the memories he wanted to. But, alas, Soonyoung couldn't. He couldn't remember the last time he had kissed Wonwoo, having taken those milliseconds for granted, not knowing each one could be the last. He wishes so desperately that he could. He wishes so desperately that he could remember the last time they kissed. The last time they exchanged sweet 'I love you's, the last time they held hands and laid in each other's warmth. Even the last time they had made love would be comforting, but it was all taken for granted. The last times he had done anything with Wonwoo were fuzzy and unreachable, because he hadn't realized they would be the last.

His heart was troubled, and he wished oh-so fiercely that he could recall a single moment that he hadn't taken for granted.

He could. Soonyoung can remember the first time he and Wonwoo ever truly made love. Shy and inexperienced, soft touches and embarrassing noises. Wonwoo hadn't known it at the time, but the first time that Soonyoung let Wonwoo take him was Soonyoung bearing his entire soul to that man. His everything was shown, his most vulnerable, and he knew at that moment when Wonwoo took care of him, that they would spend the rest of eternity together.

 

And yet.

Eternity seemed so short.

 

Everything was so dulled, now that the sun was gone, both metaphorically and literally. The night seemed to be covered with a haze, and it feels like everything had been happened with a veil over his face, slightly obstructing the young man's view but still able to barely comprehend what moved, what happened around him.

He was tired. He couldn't do this anymore. Everything hurt so badly that it became numb. He had lost feeling in his entire body. His mind, his soul, his heart, himself. Everything.

 

One. Two. Three. Four.

 

His toes were over the edge. The ground seemed so far away, seven stories up. 

Strangely, he was okay with this. He was content. Soonyoung had achieved so much, he was willing to let it go now. Let his members have control.

There was warmth on his shoulder.

 

"S-Soonyoung.. please.."

 

The older turned, seeing the broken face of one of his best friends, nothing but his boxers and a tank top, despite it being most likely almost freezing. Soonyoung didn't know what to do. He just smiled, not registering the salty tears falling down his face.

"It's okay, Seokkie. It'll be okay."

He put his shaking hand on Seokmin's own, removing it from his shoulder. But, the younger refused to let go, holding on to his hand like it was the rope that would keep him from falling into the pits of hell.

"No. No, hyung, no. It won't be okay. It won't, we can't lose you. Please.. hyung."

 

For a moment, just a moment, Soonyoung felt guilty. But then he felt okay again. They didn't understand, but they would be okay, too. They can move on. They can soar above the sky, with him and Wonwoo watching them from above. They'd understand. Soonyoung smiled at his dongsaeng, moving his hand so he was holding the younger's wrist.

"I'm sorry, brother. I have to go."

 

And then his grip was lost.

 

He faintly hears the screaming of his dongsaeng, but before he can feel anything else but the rush, he can't feel anything at all. Everything is black. Everything is gone.

 

He's free.

 

 


End file.
